Converting To Boeism
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: Jack gets an idea in his head and won't let it drop. What exactly is Boeism? Involves temples, harems, sex Gods and much, much more! Written by myself and Lady Clark-Weasley of Books! Enjoy! We promise, it'll be eventful!
1. Boeism

**Title: Converting To Boeism**

**Summary: Jack gets an idea in his head and won't let it drop. What exactly is Boeism? Well, it involves temples, harems, sex Gods and much, much more!**

**Author's Note: Inspired by events on the RRA and is written by Lady Clark-Weasley of Books and myself. Enjoy this.**

**Disclaimer: We do not own _Doctor Who._**

* * *

Jack was sitting in his office with a slight frown on his handsome face. He barely heard Ianto's knock on the door. Ianto noticed that and just went in.

"Jack?" Ianto said curiously, wondering what was bothering his captain.

"Hmm? Oh, hi Ianto," Jack said distractedly.

"What's wrong, sir?"

"Nothing... Ianto? What would you say if I mentioned Boeism?"

"What, sorry? Sir?"

"Boeism…"

"Should I know what that is?" Ianto said frowning slightly. Jack's face lit up with a grin that gave Ianto a sense of impending doom.

"Well, Ianto. I was just thinking-,"

"Oh God," Ianto muttered under his breath.

"Exactly!" Jack said triumphantly.

"What?" Ianto said now getting slightly confused.

"I was thinking, since I am brilliant and all and that so many people worship the ground I walk on-," Jack said but was interrupted by Ianto's impatient snort. Jack carried on despite the other man's incredulity, "I decided to give it a name!"

"Give what a name?" Ianto asked.

"Damn, Ianto, you _are _slow today! Give the worshipping of me a name!" Jack said cheerfully as the understanding slowly crept onto his lover's face.

"Boeism…?" Ianto spluttered, his eyes widening.

"Brilliant isn't it?" Jack said smiling, "Tell the gang to meet me in the conference room. I'm gonna make a few calls so everyone I care about will want to listen and maybe convert!"

"Yes sir," Ianto said wondering if Jack had taken any weird pills lately.

* * *

Five hours later the Torchwood team, the Doctor, Rose Tyler, Donna Noble and Martha Jones were all sitting in the conference room looking around impatiently waiting for Jack. They'd all been summoned here under an urgent request from Captain Jack Harkness and he hadn't really told them what he was really wanting.

Jack came bounding in with a buoyant grin on his face. Everyone knew that grin and most of them dreaded it. It usually meant the Captain had had some daft idea. Ianto was sitting staring at Jack shaking his head with a despairing look in his eyes.

"Right everyone! Thanks for coming!" Jack said looking around the room happily like a schoolboy who had a great turn out for his birthday party.

"Jack? What's this about?" the Doctor said. He was slightly confused. He had been sure that something serious had happened that Jack needed him here but the boyish smile on the man's face was beginning to convince him otherwise.

"About? This is about me! And Boeism!!"

There was uproar.

"Boeism? You sadistic little-," Owen muttered but he was cut off by several other voices.

"Jack!"

"You have _got _to be kidding me!"

"Boeism? As in the Face of Boe?" Rose asked, raising her eyebrows. The Doctor had filled her in of all his adventures since he'd lost her and she was still finding it hard to comprehend the idea that he was the same wrinkled old face she'd seen on her travels with the Doctor.

"Yup! That's the one!" Jack said, pleased that they'd caught on so quickly.

"This is gonna be one hell of a day…" Owen said despairingly.


	2. The Boeist Bible

"So to begin with I thought I'd tell you one of the stories in the Boeist Bible!" Jack said cheerfully.

"There's such a thing?" Owen whined desperately looking around for his escape route. When none was obvious he contented himself by leaning back in the chair and staring at Jack with a horrified expression.

"So anyway, how about I tell you the one about... I know! The best one! "Jack: The Beginning!"" Jack exclaimed clapping his hands enthusiastically.

"Oh no…"

"In the beginning there was a prophecy that a new born child would be the new beginning of the world. His birth would signify the dawning of a new age. An angel descended from the sky and spoke to a man and a women and told them to make love if they wanted to be the new parents. Of course, they did and so there was a baby boy. He was born at dawn and the sun shone high in the sky and his parents knew that was going to be the best thing in their lives. This truly was a new dawn.

As the baby was a little boy the angel had said he was going to be called Jack. And so he was. People travelled miles to the Boeshane Peninsula to bring gifts to the child. Jack grew from a baby to a toddler to a child and all the while people marvelled at his amazing talents and gathered from afar just to hear him speak his words of wisdom. It was rumoured that the Gods themselves were guiding Jack in everything he did just to be sure that he would not stray off the path of brilliance."

"My ears, my beautiful ears," Owen moaned hands over his ears as he tried to block Jack's voice and this only widened the Captain's grin. Martha and Tosh were staring at Jack in mild interest. They couldn't doubt the fact it was an interesting story but whether it was true or not was a different matter.

Ianto Jones on the other hand was having a moral debate over whether or not to send Jack to the psychiatric ward. Rose and the Doctor were in shock and everyone could read and identify with the looks on their faces.

Donna Noble looked plain disgusted as Jack embarked on another colourful story designed to convert them. Everyone's eyes had filled with shock and Ianto was wondering if Jack would let him run out of the door screaming.

"I am never going to look at a pot plant the same way again," Martha mumbled weakly slumping lower into her chair.

"Those stories are all highly impossible," Tosh said, "However I'm starting to like the sound of Boeism."

Jack looked delighted.

"_What?_" Owen cried looking at Tosh in horror, "He's a loony, Tosh! Lost it!" But then he carried on, "I shouldn't be surprised… This is coming from the woman who engaged in lesbian sex with an alien!"

"Ah yes… I added that to the bible too!" Jack said excitedly, glad that they seemed to be catching on at last, "I called it Lady Toshiko and the Lesbian Alien."

"You mean to say that there is something in that book that doesn't involve you?" Gwen asked looking shocked. Jack's gaze flickered to Tosh before he answered.

"Well, actually I join in for a threesome," he said eventually. Tosh opened her mouth to protest but Jack shushed her and began another detailed story about "Jack and The Sex God's Blessing".

A few hours later everyone was sitting there with a glassy eyed expression as Jack went on and on relentlessly. They'd all given up trying to escape or even to protest. Several of them were all lost in their own little "Fairy Land" that Jack hadn't quite conquered yet.

"And that concludes the tale of me, Rose and the Doctor having a threesome in the TARDIS."

"WHAT?" the Doctor and Rose cried out suddenly woken from their reverie. They stared at the Captain as he flashed them a dazzling smile. The pair of gob-smacked time travellers began to shout obscenities at Jack. Owen pulled out a pen and began to write some of them down so he could use them in the future (he liked the Yeknom swear words best).

The Doctor lost his cool eventually and lunged at Jack and the pair of them had some form of wrestling match on the floor. When the Doctor showed no sign of relenting his warfare Jack thought it an appropriate time to shout, "WAIT TILL I TELL JACKIE TYLER THAT YOU AND ROSE HAD SEX ON EVERY INCH OF HER FLAT!"

Silence. The Doctor went pale and sat down again sinking low into his chair.

"You disgusting motor-mouthed Martian…" Donna spat. Jack grinned.

"Now! Let's talk about "The Famous Torchwood orgy!" the Captain said happily. The Torchwood team always did wonder why the retcon supplies were down that month…


	3. The Boeist Temple

Jack's next surprise was thought by many to be worse than the stories he'd inflicted upon them.

"Right, I think we should first start by building a temple" Jack declared with a disarming grin. The room exploded with protests.

"WHAT?"

"THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL–!"

"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME-!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DIE AND LEAVE US ALONE IN PEACE?" the Doctor whined hitting has head of his hands.

"Now that was rude," said Jack, clearly affronted.

"That's my line…" the Doctor retorted scowling. Jack stuck out his tongue in response.

"It's my line now!"

The Doctor's face flushed red and he lost all sight of rational discussions. He threw himself at the Captain. Jack squealed in sudden panic and jumped up on the table. The Doctor, therefore, missed his target and went rocketing in to the wall. He cursed and turned around to glare at Jack, whom was crouching on the table smirking.

"Right… That's it!" Donna Noble said standing up. She stormed over to Jack and slapped him in the face. The Captain was wrong-footed for a moment and tumbled from the table. The Doctor snatched his opportunity and lunged at the Captain. Donna slapped him too for good measure.

Meanwhile, everyone else was trying to escape. Owen had grabbed the door handle and was about to yank it down when Jack's voice was heard over the chaos.

"You do know that when someone shouts a certain three words the whole place goes into lockdown and then a gas that'll knock you out for days is released…?"

Everyone glared. They didn't say anything for fear of setting off the unknown gas. Jack grinned.

"Oh and by the way Gwen, I am _so _glad you left Rhys! He was such an idiot… A damn good lay though."

"CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!" Gwen screamed at full volume. Jack's smile broadened as there was a hiss of released gas. The Captain had obviously planned this in case they should try and revolt against him. He pulled out a compactable gas mask from his pocket at put it on. The last thing everyone thought before they were lost in darkness was, "_Bloody manipulative bastard…"_

Gwen woke up chained to a chair. She cursed under her breath and blinked a few times to clear her vision. She was still in the conference room. Everyone bar the Doctor were still in a deep undisturbed sleep. The Doctor, however, was trying to use a sonic device to free himself.

"No good," he muttered noticing Gwen watching him, "He's deadlocked it. I can't escape."

Once everyone was awake Jack made his reappearance in the room.

"LET ME GO JACK!" Gwen snarled.

"Nope. Not till you've listened to me." He unrolled several large rolls of paper and pinned the to the wall. Everyone groaned as they saw the words "Plans For The Temple" scrawled on the top in Jack's handwriting.

"See look! Isn't it marvellous?" he said proudly.

"You want an honest answer?" Owen muttered darkly. Jack either didn't hear or chose to ignore Owen's comment.

"This will be the harem room! And this will be the alter. And that will be Ianto's room, and that Gwen's room…the Doctor and Rose will be there. And see this little square?"

They saw it.

"That is the TARDIS landing pad."

The Doctor leaned forward straining at the bonds around his waist. He peered at the blueprint. The TARDIS landing pad seemed to be at the top of some sort of tower - a very, very high tower.

"Why is the TARDIS landing pad that high up Jack?" the Doctor asked. Jack's cheeks flushed slightly.

"The TARDIS has put a restraining order on me…" he answered sheepishly not meeting anyone's apprehensive stares, "After I assaulted her… For the sexual assault charges she pressed on me… Which happened when I was drunk."

"My ship!" the Doctor whimpered desperately, "My poor, poor ship! I need to buy a lifetime's supply of disinfectant now…"

"HEY!" Jack said, clearly irked. The Doctor grinned. Jack scowled and picked up another piece of paper and held it up. There were two pictures on them and everyone's mouths fell open. On the left was an illustration of a shirtless man wearing a pair of baggy, navy blue trousers and sandals. On the right was a picture of a woman wearing a number that barely passed as a dress. On the front were the words "I converted to Boeism! Have YOU?" And underneath the writing was a photo of the grinning face of none other than Captain Jack Harkness.

"And these will be the uniforms!" the Captain said proudly.

"You have _got _to be kidding me…"

"This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Been there, done that and bought the t-shirt..." Rose muttered.


	4. The Boeist Marriage Plan

Three days later everyone was forced back in to the conference room. They'd only been there five minutes when the door of the conference room sprung open. Jack had obviously unlocked it. Everyone sat there in horror. The Torchwood team looked around at each other in fear. The worst possible thing happened... At least for the Torchwood team - John Hart was back.

"John!" they all exclaimed as one voice.

"Who is John exactly?" the Doctor asked staring at the new arrival.

"Jack's insane ex-husband!" Gwen hissed in explanation.

"Hey!" John said frowning.

"I was the husband," Jack corrected, "He was the wife. And _technically _we never actually got married."

"Get out," Owen snarled.

"Now, that's really not very fair!" John said looking at Jack. Jack shrugged.

"Let him stay!"

"He still tried to kill us remember?" Owen retorted hotly. There was a short silence before John decided to change the subject.

"So what did I miss?" John said throwing a cheeky grin at everyone, "Good to see you again Gwyneth! I missed you!" He was looking at Gwen and she flushed red in embarrassment and fury. Jack growled.

"Five quid says Jack is in love with Gwen and won't admit it," Martha hissed to Donna.

"Five quid says the rest of the team already have bets," Donna retorted grinning. Martha giggled slightly.

"Five quid says that Rose and the Doctor have already betted," Tosh whispered.

"Done," Donna said and they all shook on it and went back to listening to Jack.

"Where have you been John?" Jack was snapping, "I called you days ago!"

"1996," John replied taking a seat with a smug smile on his face, "Brilliant time in London. Met two _very _sexy women…I believe you've slept with the pair of them in '89 and '95!"

"What?" Jack said, slightly puzzled. John merely grinned.

"Come on in and see the future ladies!" he called and the door opened once again the door opened. In the door stood a younger version of Jackie Tyler and Sarah-Jane Smith.

"MOTHER!" Rose exclaimed jumping to her feet.

"SARAH-JANE!" the Doctor cried repeating Rose's action.

"HOW COULD YOU?"

"DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TASTE?"

"I'm so disappointed in you…" the Doctor and Rose finished in unison looking despairingly at the two women before them.

"I take it the gobby blonde is my daughter then?" Jackie said

"Why my mum? _Why_?" Rose asked Jack feebly.

"It was '95…she was depressed. I was depressed. We were drunk. Next think I know, I wake up with you asking if I'm your new daddy!" Jack said, his arms flopping to his sides to show his lack of a better explanation.

"Why don't I remember you then?" Rose demanded. Jack looked sheepish.

"Retcon…"

"Explains a lot…" Rose muttered. Everyone was looking at her questioningly and she elaborated, "Mum's been trying to convert me to something called Boeism for years and I never knew why. Or even what it was. She said I would find out one day. And so I have!"

Silence ensued.

Ten weeks later Jack's plans had been put into action. It'd meant a lot of blood, sweat, tears and a lot of shouted swear words (mainly aimed at Jack) but the word was done.

The temple was beautiful. For some reason there was a giant golden statue of a naked Jack on the front where everyone could see it. Jack thought it was brilliant. Everyone in the world had been converted to Boeism through some form of brainwashing or other methods of persuasion; possibly because Jack had bought over every television station.

The Doctor had also decided he should propose to Rose, seeing as they'd been though so much together. He hovered by her bedroom late one evening. She noticed this and came out to investigate.

"What?" she asked. The Doctor took a deep breath and dropped down onto one knee in front of her.

"Rose Tyler will you marry me?" he blurted out. She blinked in confusion.

"Sorry Doctor but we're already married."

"WHAT?" he asked, completely at sea.

"D'you not remember? Everyone is married to everyone else here in the Boeism Community, it was one of Jack's rules!" she explained. He stared at her.

"Oh."

Then Jack appeared with a wide boyish grin on his face.

"You know Martha has been eyeing you up again maybe you should put her out of her misery!" he said cheerfully.

"What?" the Doctor demanded, suspicious. Jack just winked and bounded off again. Then they all heard the loud bell. Rose smiled.

"Ah… It's time."

"Time?" the Doctor repeated, bewildered.

"Yes. For the Boeist Orgy! You coming Doctor? I hear we have some Yeknoms coming over…" said Rose and she took his hand and wandered off.

* * *

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The Doctor woke with a start in his bed with Rose stirring beside him. He threw back the covers with a look of torment in his dark eyes.

"Doctor?" Rose mumbled sleepily.

"Oh Rose it was horrible! I had the most terrible nightmare!"

"Mmm?" Rose muttered rubbing her eyes and trying to look sympathetic. She glanced at the alarm clock. Three AM. Damn the Doctor's nightmares…

"Yeah! It involved Jack converting everyone in the world to a new religion called Boeism!"

The Doctor looked genuinely terrified and Rose rolled her eyes and flopped back down on to the bed.

"You really do need to stop eating marmalade and drinking caffeine before bed…"

"No, no, no! I really have to do something about this now!" the Doctor insisted with wide, fearful eyes. Rose fell asleep again...


	5. Trying To Prevent Boeism

* * *

**The Big Finale. We hope you all enjoyed this and thank you all so much for reviewing! How many of you wanted to convert...?**

* * *

"Are you sure we want to do this Doctor?" Rose asked trailing behind the Doctor slightly as he walked purposefully over the sands of the Boeshane Peninsula, "I mean, you'll be deleting a lot of great things in the universe! You'll be changing the course of time! It goes against everything you believe in!"  
"Yes. But I have to do this. You didn't have the nightmare!" he said firmly. There was still a haunted look in his eyes. Rose rolled her eyes again.  
They arrived at a little house and the Doctor knocked on the door. He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet until it was opened to reveal two dishevelled people; a dark haired man and a chestnut haired lady. They looked confused as to why they'd been dragged from their beds at this time in the morning. The Doctor launched straight into explanation.

"Hello. I'm the Doctor and you must be Mr and Mrs…Jack's Parents. Now listen to me closely. Whatever you do, do NOT have sex. I repeat! Do NOT have sex, if you do you will produce the spawn of the devil and the most horrifying man in the universe! He will be a conman and a time agent with a sex God complexion and he'll live forever just to annoy the hell out of every living being. Goodbye." And with that he dragged Rose away back towards the TARDIS. Rose cast a sympathetic apologetic look back towards the bemused couple.

"Did you get that dear? I know I didn't…he spoke too fast," the man said sighing.

"Yes. I heard him," the woman said, "He says we have to make love and give birth to the greatest living being in the world. And by the sounds of it, we'll call him Jack."


End file.
